I am the disruptor.

For as long as I can remember, I've had contrasting opinions. I never really fit into a group, and can never figure out whether that's a bad thing or not. I want to belong, and at the same time, I don't. Observing from the sidelines also has its advantages: not falling prey to groupthink, being able to listen, think, and ultimately form an opinion about what's going on.

Yet, I don't feel like I want to be different just for the sake of being different, or difficult. It's like I'm an actor that's being typecast for the same role, over and over again. But I'm not an actor, this is truly "who I am".

In work, I feel like this way of seeing and being has given me an edge. It makes me an excellent tester, for one. When everybody gets excited about a solution or technology, you can count on me to point out the possible downsides and risks.

I'm a technology sceptic anyway, which is ironic when you're working in a field where most people are enthusiasts.

Not that I am always right, or think I am always right, but offering a contrasting opinion gets people to reconsider their thoughts and opinions. That is often enough.

The most difficult thing for me is to witness the consequences of having offered a contrasting opinion or point of view. Sometimes, making people face a reality that they didn't want to face can make them feel incredibly emotional. I don't get joy from doing this, it's more like "oh, shit, did I do it again?".

I don't have much hope for the world, for humanity and the course we're taking. On a personal level, I have already gone through the stages of grief, especially sadness. I am at acceptance, and on a personal level I feel happy and better than ever. But when I express my bleak worldviews, I have to accept that it can make people feel sad. I get it, I've been there as well.

I don't want to rob people of hope, and, this might be hard to believe, but I am weirdly hopeful myself. Not for humanity at large, but for the people who are trying to do the best they can in their local circle of influence. I just don't think that us "normal" people (non-billionaires) can truly change the course of humanity.

I am okay with this (not really okay with it, but thanks to my history degree I've basically studied the repeated fuck-ups of humanity. we are not improving or learning, that's why I've come to the conclusion that I have to be okay with it).

I am also okay with being the disruptor, I have accepted that this is the role I play in group processes. I don't mind letting people face a grim reality. It doesn't give me joy, but it's truly preferable over blindly believing in fairytales.

Too bad the word disrupt has been tainted by big tech as well 😬