Being erratic

This has honestly been the question that I've been dealing with for almost my entire life: How to live when my "output" is so erratic? How to make "the most" of my life? (A question that makes me slightly ill just by writing it down.) I don't believe that life is there to be squeezed like a lemon, to get the maximum amount of juice out of it. On the other hand, just loafing about on a couch ain't it, either. My idea of an ideal life is somewhere in between.

But, productivity maximising mindset or not, the fact of the matter is: I am not consistent, at all. Never have been, I've been struggling with wildly varying states of outputs and moods since high school.

The problem remains sort of the same when we skip to the present day, so let's attempt to describe it as it is right now: There are weeks where I feel good and focused, and all the things I have to do come so easy. I want to do them, and it all feels pleasant and fun. Sometimes this phase doesn't last weeks, but just a day.

On the other hand, there are times when I struggle. My brain feels sluggish, chaotic and tired, all at the same time. Motivation to do anything is sorely lacking, this is not purely work-related.

At first I thought I was just like this when it came to the things I have to do, but no. This is only a recent realisation, and it has brought peace. I used to think I hated work, but I don't. During the bad times, I just struggle with myself, in all aspects of life. Knowing this makes it easier to be forgiving to myself.

When my lack of motivation sorely would have revolved around work, there would have been an added sense of guilt, as in this society you are being seen as strange if you don't want to work. That is seen as morally wrong. I have internalised this Western dogma, writing this down is just me projecting that internalisation.

But I don't think I'm wrong. People who work a lot, and/or are successful at work, are put on a pedestal by many. They're admired, they can go on podcasts to spout their productivity hacks, and post their 5AM wake-up routine on Instagram.

Yeah, that ain't me.

When I wake up, the first thing I feel during bad times, is dread. The whole day of tasks I must complete is ahead of me, looming like a freaking mount Everest. Starting the day by stepping under the shower is already too much of an ask, so I usually cave and drink a coffee on the couch instead.

I am gathering the courage to move, and after 20 minutes I usually have enough to get going. All these steps, that feel so easy during the "good times": brushing my teeth, preparing breakfast, combing my hair, they feel so utterly exhausting.

Imagine that everything you have to do suddenly feels 10x harder than normal. That's how these bad times are. My brain refuses to cooperate, but gives me a hard time instead.

Actually, I think a lack of motivation doesn't even describe what is happening. I still want to do things, but it feels like something is suddenly broken, for reasons I cannot understand. I just get tired by the idea of doing all my tasks. I would prefer to snap my finger and everything is done and I can just fuck off to the beach with a book. It feels like adulting over 9000 to fight all these feelings, wrestle with my brain, and do useful shit at work anyway!

It didn't help that for the longest time, the guilt I felt during these times made everything so much worse! I felt so guilty for not doing enough. The amount of what I should do is set by myself, before you ask. I never had complaints at work, all the suffering was happening internally.

The recent breakthrough of being more forgiving towards myself is therefore truly important. It feels like undoing something important, letting go of the notion that productivity must be achieved at all costs.

It seems easier to be productive if you are a "steady" person, but my output, my moods, my entire state of being can be all over the place.

I don't know if my description made any sense, but I'm just wondering if you can relate. How would you describe it? Do you have words for it?

Or, are you more of a steady person? Can you go for a sustainable pace and do more or less the same every day?

I'm especially interested to hear your story if you were like me, but managed to become more of a steady person. How did you do it?